Thursday, October 23, 2008

Lineups, laments, projections, proctology?

Proctology. Apparently it's the word of the day on one of my many homepage widgets. Fascinating. My curiosity piqued i decided i needed to know what a proctologist looked like. Observe:
Hmmm that guy looks pretty happy with his job, perhaps in another life i could have been one of these noble servants to humanity. Alas, I'll have to settle for wearing my new shirt instead. Behold:
Believe it or not, you don't even have to be a proctologist to wear one, they just sell them! Oh Lord how thou hath blessed your humble servant.

Okay well now that issue has been spent let us look to the moves, predicitons and starting lineups for this weeks teams.

Team 1 the 'Fear' Mongers.
This week the barnstorming FM's are facing the IMG's (yet another work of literary genius). Our unworthy opponents are putting a indescribably weak team on the field this week, but the FM's still need to get the job done. We will be looking for RB Steven Jackson to have his way with the geriatric defence of the Patriots, and i'm putting the farm on this one folks, he will be producing because the patriots D at the moment can only match a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest for effectiveness. QB Drew Brees needs to bounce back from last weeks deflating performance and i have taken a punt for my first Willis "watchoo talkin bout" McGahee sighting of the year, with him finally awakening from his fantasy coma to contribute last week he has won back my confidence but be warned Willis, i am not a soft master, should you fail to produce you will be straight back on the fantasy scrap heap. With Yahoo! predicting the FM's to triumph by 20 points this week it looks like an absolute LOCK. Get your mum and dad to bet the house on this one kids. By that time our heroic band of fantasy STUDS will have delivered the much expected STONE COLD STUNNER on first place winners and be sitting in a enviable position going into the mid season stretch 7-1 my friends, soak it up......

Team2 The Mongoloids
Friends, i feel the putrid bile rising in my throat as it comes time to dissect the pungent stench that is The Mongoloids. Last week i threatened deportation back to their harsh desert wasteland of Mongolia. I promise you dear readers that if they don't win this unlosable game this weekend then a swift deportation is what they will be begging for after they are beset upon by the appropriate 'Hired Goons' with a bloody montage of macabre rituals and so forth. However, perhaps threats of gruesome executions are counter-motivative for these wretched souls, perhaps a bit of 'daddy loves' you will do the trick. Okay The Mongs opponents for this crucial matchup are an absolute affront to Fantasy Football. They are one of thos teams that have half the talent your team possesses but a better record. Ludicrous. For our opponents "1st & 10 (How original OMG i know lololol !!111), i'm looking for the peerless Titans D to shut down his big name receiver Reggie Wayne and for the pathetic, porous Kansas City D to find a way to stop Thomas Jones posting a respectable total on Sunday. With those threats neutralized, Big time rookie Chris Johnson and fresh-from-injury-and-on-his-final-warning-to-produce Marques Colston are looking prime to produce with great match ups. A lot is hinging on the clash between Pittsburgh and the G-men, so i'm hoping that my boss will be out to a meeting so i can keep a close eye on that one. If this motley crew of losers can pull it together it could be just the spark they need to keep on truckin through to the finals.

Team 3 The Mothmonstermen.
Hush your throaty catcalls readers, The MMM are going through a tough patch at present with sensation Reggie Bush being nursed back to health by the genetically impossible Kim Kardashian, home movie star. Luckily your humble narrator has drafted for depth at RB for just this situation and i have Marion 'the barbarian' Barber and Marshawn Lynch to do the job. Kurt Warner might want to stay in his cryogenic chamber for this weekends matchup with the Panthers who have been stopping just about everyone and given up very few TD's to anyone. That said this year seems to be Warner's vintage year and maybe his last until the league passes a rule allowing walking frames and 'gopher's' on the field for himself and Brett Favre, and perhaps unwittingly prompting yet another Vinny Testaverde comeback. ughhh. Also Marshawn's beast mode my be threatened by a Miami run D that has been anything but soft while Marion Barber is facing a miserly Buccaneers D. Santana 'The Other' Moss looks to produce against Detroit, but we can only make plentiful sacrifices to the vengeful fantasy gods that the other studs on this team among teams defy their tough match ups.

Team 4. the Capitalist Pigs.
The pigs really are rallying unlike their lauded system of economy and finance the past 2 weeks and this week are without the talismanic Adrian 'Purple Jesus' Peterson. In his stead we have Ronnie 'Wildcat' Brown and Michael ' What week is it?' Turner. The pigs are following the UPS company line this week and asking, what can brown do for you? as they need Ronnie Brown to take stingy Buffalo to the cleaners, which seems an ask as everyone seems to have gotten a hold of this one trick pony, so come on Ronnie do it for your COACH! Michael Turner is renowned for destroying weak defenses but struggling against more resilient units. This week he faces a Philly D that isn't following the city motto of Brotherly Love. No Sir, they are looking to take this dirty bird down, but with Matt Ryan and Roddy White really getting the vertical pass game going, perhaps a few holes can be opened up for this man of much potential. Other than that we're looking for Dave 'The Calves' Garrard to please make this the ONE week he actually produces SOMETHING. As previously mentioned, Mr. Colston needs to pull his socks up and really show the English that American Football is far tougher than those idiotic rugby players who don't even wear PADS? what kind of game is that? Speaking of which check out this sublime NIKE rugby ad. (They aren't paying me i promise, i have too much artistic integrity for such trifles.) So in a nutshell, this weeks game could go either way, but after studying my opponents, i'd say its not a lock but could be a figure-four-leglock of sorts. The man is starting Warrick Dunn ferchrissakes!

Okay that brings the FF to a conclusion now for our letters segment, this week letter of the week is from one P.I. Staker, who writes:

Dear Jarius, (sic, no VII, such blasphemy! -Ed.)
While i am an avid reader of your blog i would love it if you could perhaps post some more entries, at least twice a day, and do away with this preposterous rubbish of Fantasy Football! You know this American sport is decidedly ugly and not a gentlemanly pursuit by any means. Fox Hunting is a far nobler hobby and one you should think seriously about. The fellows and i do a fox hunt each weekend and the man that snares the most beautiful pelt earns a stern pat on the back from the chaps before we retire back to the conservatory for a few brandies and some brie. However, we have had a lot of trouble lately from assorted beatniks and hippies who have made it their life's work to stop our favoured pastime, even attracting the attention of international news programs!! Perhaps some exposure in your internationally renowned blog will soften the hearts of our cruel persecutors, so dear friend, i beseech you, START A FANTASY FOXHUNTING BLOG NOW!

Yours Faithfully,
P.I. Staker

Mr Staker,
It is not by my own choice but by public demand that i cover Fantasy Football. There are only 24 hours in a day and beleive it or not this unparalelled blog doesnt pay the bills! Unless you care to click on the accursed google advertising on the right about 1,000,000,000 times i'd say i'm probably going to have to keep going to work and regrettably won't be able to continuously write this blog for your enjoyment. As for this poppycock about fox hunting, by decree of the great author of this blog i declare Fox Hunting to be distasteful. Something is not Right about you Mr Staker and i intend to get to the bottom of it. Conversely, i appreciate your patronage of my blog and humbly request you cease to stalk my residence and also to not persist in sending me bullet riddled foxes be express post!

Good Day Sir! - Ed.

It for letter of the week, i must add that i am attending dinner and a movie with a lady friend tomorrow night who is quite the friendly pussycat so needless to say there wont be any entries happening between now and then. We shall inspect Burn After Reading, for which i shall write a review and then we shall adjourn to the local Hungry Jacks for a gourmet meal at my expense, because i believe chivalry is not dead!

And with that i'll leave you with my Clip of the Week! Hilarium!

1 comment:

Proctalgia Fugax said...

Very entertaining entry. Most enjoyable part is the pun between the statement Something is not Right about you Mr Staker and i intend to get to the bottom of it and your interest in wearing an Amatuer Proctology T-shirt. I suggest next time PI stalks your home, invite him in for a cuppa-char with a twist of lemon and some watercress sndwiches. Be sure to sit him in the chair that has the collapsible stirrups....and don't for get the goose fat!!.