Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I Don' have the power captain!

Much like the the Enterprise's Chief Engineer, Chief of Security, and Second Officer, Montgomery Scott, I DONT HAVE THE POWER!Okay faithful readers, the motivation behind this breakdown is the realization that i will never have enough dilithium crystals to ever maintain a running commentary on 16 fantasy football times in the style i would like to, that being in over the top eloquence. I have given it countless hours of thought and have decided to concentrate only on the trials and tribulations of four teams. Now dear readers, please, i beseech you, do not attempt to put a premature end to youe existences! no, i urge you, follow your humble narrator's struggle to find a point and purpose to this blog.

So readers, at my behest, lets get underway with the rundown of last weeks results so that i can move onto pimping this weeks moves, dilemmas and quandries.....

Team 1 the "Fear" Mongers (real name NSFW) have extended their record to 6-1 and solidified their Kane-like chokehold on second place with a view to performing the ultimate chokeslam on first place holders "taken it easy" who have problems with spelling and also rudely rebuffed my offer for a trade earlier in the season, much to my dismay. Our opponents "The Fear 2020" (Don't ask) were trounced 107-90 by my mighty band of gridiron warriors. leading the charge was Steven Jackson with a whopping 35 points, easily besting the deplorable cowboys defence in a huge upset victory for the rams. Easily best on field performance by Jackson with honourable mentions going to my WR core (not least of all the diminutive Hines Ward for putting a flabbergasting hit on bengals hitman keith rivers, breaking his jaw in 2 places, not something WR's are known for!) for all breaking 13 points, helped out by the baltimore D with 13 also.

Team 2 The Mongoloids are risking being deported back to their native Mongolia after their second straight defeat sending them to the depthts of yahoo! public league 64573. Despite boasting a king's ransom of talent The Mongs cant get their whole team to show up at the same time, Benny Roth and Chris Johnson produced, but sadly nobody else did, including this weeks mitliple time offender for letting numerous franchises down, marques colston. FYI marques, if youre going to come back from injury, MAKE SURE YOU CAN PRODUCE! I wish this video clip upon you! This group of invalids has proven to be as useful as a screen door on a submarine and quite frankly i'm sick of them, all of them big names but no production. its do or die time for this hapless bunch so stay tuned to see how your humble narrator and fantasy football genius can salvage this worthless piecd of trash fromt he scrapheap.

Team 3, like a breath of fresh air after being forced to inhlae that last FF Fart, its my favourite team, its your favourite team, its THE MOTHMONSTERMEN!!!! Rest your hoarse throats my adoring public, i have sorrowful news, yes you may have heard, the Mothmonstermen suffered their second defeat of the season. I know our lord and saviour Jesus Christ almighty can be cruel, but we have to keep on going..... Hark dear readers, our stud Reggie Bush, a most productive member of the MOTHMONSTERMEN (MMN) enclave, our brotherhood of physical, spiritural and moral vitories, has been struck down by some cruel and perverted twist of fate, vengeful lord hear our prayers!!! may somebody step in to plug this gaping wound in our production!!! Well fear not readers, that man is hear, Marshawn Lynch will be in full BEAST MODE!!! this week versus the pourous miami defense, so the loss of Reginald Bush will be long forgotten when MBIII and Marshawn Pour out domination all over their opponents come sunday like so much Kool-Aid. Ahhh, i digress once again as i tend to do..... where were we, oh yes mourning the loss of weeks 7's game.

The loss of reggie bush and a lacklustre performance from Marvin Harrison, (who these days chooses to use his weaponry off the field rather than on it!) there isn't much more i can say about this defeat except that i hope, like me, my millions of fans out there are, like me, Making rich sacrifices to the football gods in hope that my boys will bring home the bacon this week.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and girls, although not my most prestigious team, the Capitalist Pigs do take part in my most prestigious and competetive league, the Rec.Sports.Football.Fantasy Newsgroup league, to which your humble narrator was invited to take part in, and after a tough draft has learned that you NEVER draft good players on bad teams a.k.a thos slippery cossack devils The Cincinatti Bengals. How dare they let an offence that contained a top 5 QB and two top 15 WR's slide into this current funk of ineptitute and inconsistency, how dare they shatter my dreams in such a fashion, how dare they!

After sliding to a shameful 1-4 record, the pigs have rallied the past two weeks to rise to 3-4 with view to keep on coming as shrewd waiver aquisitions and players returning to form are boosting them. Kyle Orton has been the sviour of our team, with hacks like Carson Palmer and David Garrard on Board, the Jesus Like Orton is truly 'My Saviour'. Last weeks glorious victory was helped along not only by Orton but also by another godly figure the PURPLE JESUS Adrian Peterson, whom many people mocked and ridiculed me for deafting first overall over LaDanian "i dont play full time no more" Tomlinson. well read em and weep suckers cos they are coming home to roost. Also my opponents team just sucked sooooooooo that made it easy. To finish we had two wins and two losses and this literary figure grows weary from the rigours of attempting to piece together intricate prose whilst minimizing the window everytime his boss walks past, and so, must depart.
but not before another WIZARD SLEEVES update.
monday night at newmarket touch fields, on the main oval, (yes the only one with at least 70%) lighting, the ensemble cast of the wizard sleeves were on show. Armed with Slider as my codename i was nominated captain, regardless of the face that the finer points (and rules) of touch football are beyond me.
Early on in the game we were bewildered by the sheer pace of our opponents attack and the curious mix of elderly unfit players with excessivley skilled young rapscallions (a conspiracy of ring-ins methinks), fitness levels were struggling for the sleeves but then the yamba combo of iceman and merlin carved through for a scintillating try, iceman was on hand once again late in the first half to send your protaganist over in the dark corner for a diving try. some great work all round the park, the skills are there, so now the coherence and teamwork needs to come together. As your guide through these epic tales it humbles me to admit that i was careless enough to get over the line with some fancy footwork only to find i was the "dummy half" and was not eligible to score, also i was penalised at least 4 times, for not playing the ball on the mark. i'm looking forward to being able to avenge this poor performance next monday. Farewell dear Readers and shadow hide you.

1 comment:

Proctalgia Fugax said...

Thank you for a REAL blog (total number of words > total number of pictures). These are extremely rare according to my recent blog scannings. I would have come to cheer on the Wizard Sleeves but I was busy scraping off the black gunk that collects on the feet of chairs over the years. Sounds like I missed the touch game of the century.