The Author Cometh!

Rejoice, dear readers, your beloved savant has returned from a perilous journey into the darkest reaches of this place we call earth. The post box has been inundated not only with the usual letter of adoration, but with increasing amounts of frantically scribbled notes no doubt from desperate souls with nothing left to lose, begging for the blog entries to continue. Alas dear readers my apologies shall flow forth like a torrent of remorse washing over rocks of despair. You see friends, due to the myriad of talents in my possession, and unrivalled detective skills, i was called upon by the WWF ( no not the Gladiatorial extravaganza of sports formerly known as the WWF, you buffoon!) to launch upon an animal welfare mission unparalleled in human history. Yes that is right i have been asked to help a walrus find his bucket.

As you can see the evidence i was presented with, while heart wrenching, was meagre with regard to clues. I knew i was going to have to harness all the powers of mind and sharpen my already keen senses. What was required was to harness the deductive

powers of Sherlock Holmes and Charlie Chan and channel the "assertiveness" of Dirty Harold Callaghan to sleuth this infernal riddle. Where could i search for such an invaluable treasure? The peaks of the Himalayas, the Welsh coal mines, the Bermuda Triangle? After consulting with many experts throughout the globe, i was at my wits end. My reason was being consumed like logs burning in the fires of frustration. After much meditation the Sparrow Prince appeared before me and presented me with a riddle as to where i may find the location of the sacred bucket of the walrus, who's name was revealed as "the lolrus" to me by the Sparrow Prince. This is the riddle:

"Humble narrator listen now,
if you wish to know where the bucket is found,
its place of rest is far away,
and nearby is the place where the windies play,
in this zone there resides no sheep,
and this secret you must keep,
the area for which your quest you make,
is geometrically triangular in shape"

And with that the Sparrow prince made haste his exit and i was left wondering where my journey would take me next. Dear readers, my simple plea is this, any assistance as to the solution of this riddle is paramount. Comment to this very blog the solution to this infernal riddle!

Lineups, laments, projections, proctology?

Proctology. Apparently it's the word of the day on one of my many homepage widgets. Fascinating. My curiosity piqued i decided i needed to know what a proctologist looked like. Observe:
Hmmm that guy looks pretty happy with his job, perhaps in another life i could have been one of these noble servants to humanity. Alas, I'll have to settle for wearing my new shirt instead. Behold:
Believe it or not, you don't even have to be a proctologist to wear one, they just sell them! Oh Lord how thou hath blessed your humble servant.

Okay well now that issue has been spent let us look to the moves, predicitons and starting lineups for this weeks teams.

Team 1 the 'Fear' Mongers.
This week the barnstorming FM's are facing the IMG's (yet another work of literary genius). Our unworthy opponents are putting a indescribably weak team on the field this week, but the FM's still need to get the job done. We will be looking for RB Steven Jackson to have his way with the geriatric defence of the Patriots, and i'm putting the farm on this one folks, he will be producing because the patriots D at the moment can only match a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest for effectiveness. QB Drew Brees needs to bounce back from last weeks deflating performance and i have taken a punt for my first Willis "watchoo talkin bout" McGahee sighting of the year, with him finally awakening from his fantasy coma to contribute last week he has won back my confidence but be warned Willis, i am not a soft master, should you fail to produce you will be straight back on the fantasy scrap heap. With Yahoo! predicting the FM's to triumph by 20 points this week it looks like an absolute LOCK. Get your mum and dad to bet the house on this one kids. By that time our heroic band of fantasy STUDS will have delivered the much expected STONE COLD STUNNER on first place winners and be sitting in a enviable position going into the mid season stretch 7-1 my friends, soak it up......

Team2 The Mongoloids
Friends, i feel the putrid bile rising in my throat as it comes time to dissect the pungent stench that is The Mongoloids. Last week i threatened deportation back to their harsh desert wasteland of Mongolia. I promise you dear readers that if they don't win this unlosable game this weekend then a swift deportation is what they will be begging for after they are beset upon by the appropriate 'Hired Goons' with a bloody montage of macabre rituals and so forth. However, perhaps threats of gruesome executions are counter-motivative for these wretched souls, perhaps a bit of 'daddy loves' you will do the trick. Okay The Mongs opponents for this crucial matchup are an absolute affront to Fantasy Football. They are one of thos teams that have half the talent your team possesses but a better record. Ludicrous. For our opponents "1st & 10 (How original OMG i know lololol !!111), i'm looking for the peerless Titans D to shut down his big name receiver Reggie Wayne and for the pathetic, porous Kansas City D to find a way to stop Thomas Jones posting a respectable total on Sunday. With those threats neutralized, Big time rookie Chris Johnson and fresh-from-injury-and-on-his-final-warning-to-produce Marques Colston are looking prime to produce with great match ups. A lot is hinging on the clash between Pittsburgh and the G-men, so i'm hoping that my boss will be out to a meeting so i can keep a close eye on that one. If this motley crew of losers can pull it together it could be just the spark they need to keep on truckin through to the finals.

Team 3 The Mothmonstermen.
Hush your throaty catcalls readers, The MMM are going through a tough patch at present with sensation Reggie Bush being nursed back to health by the genetically impossible Kim Kardashian, home movie star. Luckily your humble narrator has drafted for depth at RB for just this situation and i have Marion 'the barbarian' Barber and Marshawn Lynch to do the job. Kurt Warner might want to stay in his cryogenic chamber for this weekends matchup with the Panthers who have been stopping just about everyone and given up very few TD's to anyone. That said this year seems to be Warner's vintage year and maybe his last until the league passes a rule allowing walking frames and 'gopher's' on the field for himself and Brett Favre, and perhaps unwittingly prompting yet another Vinny Testaverde comeback. ughhh. Also Marshawn's beast mode my be threatened by a Miami run D that has been anything but soft while Marion Barber is facing a miserly Buccaneers D. Santana 'The Other' Moss looks to produce against Detroit, but we can only make plentiful sacrifices to the vengeful fantasy gods that the other studs on this team among teams defy their tough match ups.

Team 4. the Capitalist Pigs.
The pigs really are rallying unlike their lauded system of economy and finance the past 2 weeks and this week are without the talismanic Adrian 'Purple Jesus' Peterson. In his stead we have Ronnie 'Wildcat' Brown and Michael ' What week is it?' Turner. The pigs are following the UPS company line this week and asking, what can brown do for you? as they need Ronnie Brown to take stingy Buffalo to the cleaners, which seems an ask as everyone seems to have gotten a hold of this one trick pony, so come on Ronnie do it for your COACH! Michael Turner is renowned for destroying weak defenses but struggling against more resilient units. This week he faces a Philly D that isn't following the city motto of Brotherly Love. No Sir, they are looking to take this dirty bird down, but with Matt Ryan and Roddy White really getting the vertical pass game going, perhaps a few holes can be opened up for this man of much potential. Other than that we're looking for Dave 'The Calves' Garrard to please make this the ONE week he actually produces SOMETHING. As previously mentioned, Mr. Colston needs to pull his socks up and really show the English that American Football is far tougher than those idiotic rugby players who don't even wear PADS? what kind of game is that? Speaking of which check out this sublime NIKE rugby ad. (They aren't paying me i promise, i have too much artistic integrity for such trifles.) So in a nutshell, this weeks game could go either way, but after studying my opponents, i'd say its not a lock but could be a figure-four-leglock of sorts. The man is starting Warrick Dunn ferchrissakes!

Okay that brings the FF to a conclusion now for our letters segment, this week letter of the week is from one P.I. Staker, who writes:

Dear Jarius, (sic, no VII, such blasphemy! -Ed.)
While i am an avid reader of your blog i would love it if you could perhaps post some more entries, at least twice a day, and do away with this preposterous rubbish of Fantasy Football! You know this American sport is decidedly ugly and not a gentlemanly pursuit by any means. Fox Hunting is a far nobler hobby and one you should think seriously about. The fellows and i do a fox hunt each weekend and the man that snares the most beautiful pelt earns a stern pat on the back from the chaps before we retire back to the conservatory for a few brandies and some brie. However, we have had a lot of trouble lately from assorted beatniks and hippies who have made it their life's work to stop our favoured pastime, even attracting the attention of international news programs!! Perhaps some exposure in your internationally renowned blog will soften the hearts of our cruel persecutors, so dear friend, i beseech you, START A FANTASY FOXHUNTING BLOG NOW!

Yours Faithfully,
P.I. Staker

Mr Staker,
It is not by my own choice but by public demand that i cover Fantasy Football. There are only 24 hours in a day and beleive it or not this unparalelled blog doesnt pay the bills! Unless you care to click on the accursed google advertising on the right about 1,000,000,000 times i'd say i'm probably going to have to keep going to work and regrettably won't be able to continuously write this blog for your enjoyment. As for this poppycock about fox hunting, by decree of the great author of this blog i declare Fox Hunting to be distasteful. Something is not Right about you Mr Staker and i intend to get to the bottom of it. Conversely, i appreciate your patronage of my blog and humbly request you cease to stalk my residence and also to not persist in sending me bullet riddled foxes be express post!

Good Day Sir! - Ed.

Thats It for letter of the week, i must add that i am attending dinner and a movie with a lady friend tomorrow night who is quite the friendly pussycat so needless to say there wont be any entries happening between now and then. We shall inspect Burn After Reading, for which i shall write a review and then we shall adjourn to the local Hungry Jacks for a gourmet meal at my expense, because i believe chivalry is not dead!

And with that i'll leave you with my Clip of the Week! Hilarium!

My Fantasy Football Dynasty as it stands

Ladies and Germs, Below you will see revealed before your very eyes, the full extent to which i am embroiled in FF this year. I play on Yahoo! because its Cheep like the budgie!

However, games are being played as we speak and i am masticating my fingernails waiting on the results of some of them. I am humble enough to admit my record isn't great but i have some teams in there that are fighting valiantly.....

Over the coming weeks you will receive juicy particles of information, insights and my debatably informed opinion on the FF world. also, i warmly invite and banter, comments and suggestions from like minded players who would chance their arm in a contest of wits against yours truly.

So, observe this week and then by Wednesday your humble narrator will have updated standings and then the mind crushing pressure of next weeks selections will be upon us!

As a sidenote, while we are in the business of presenting mammoth sporting contests, i would like to herald the arrival of the latest force in the Newmarket mens C grade touch football competition, thats right dear readers, the Wizard Sleeves are upon us for this seasons action! The team features many former Far North Coast Rugby Union Superstars, whos' true identities have been concealed by their codenames, much like a crafty gang of bank robbers, all have adopted monikers from the 1986 cincematic masterpiece Top Gun. Your Dickensian narrator has adopted the name of Tom "Iceman" Kazynskis' Co-Pilot Slider, should any of his fans wish to identify him in action whilst making scintillating runs through the inside lanes, anyhow, i digress, here are my current FF teams........ More updates later.

	One800_punk (15-9-0)
	Fearmongers*(5-1-0)		The Mongoloids (3-3-0)		The Mothmonstermen (5-1-0)		Capitalist Pigs (2-4-0)
QB	Drew Brees	QB	Ben Roethlisberger	QB	Jeff Garcia	QB	Kyle Orton
WR	Santana Moss	WR	Santonio Holmes	WR	T.J Houshmazadeh	WR	Santana Moss
WR	Hines Ward	WR	Carson Palmer	WR	Santana Moss	WR	Marques Colston
WR	Bernard Berrian	WR	Donald Driver	WR	Marvin Harrison	RB	Adrian Peterson
RB	Reggie Bush	RB	Ronnie Brown	RB	Marion Barber	RB	Ronnie Brown
RB	Steven Jackson	RB	Chris Johnson	RB	Reggie Bush	TE	Jeremy Shockey
TE	Antonio Gates	TE	Jason Witten	TE	Alex Smith	K	Matt Bryant
K	Shaun Suisham	K	Shaun Suisham	K	Ryan Longwell	DEF	Miami
DEF	Baltimore	DEF	Pittsburgh	DEF	Tennessee
BENCH
BN	Kurt Warner QB	BN	Jason Campbell QB	BN	Kurt Warner QB	BN	David Garrard QB
BN	Santinio Holmes WR	BN	Roddy White WR	BN	David Garrard QB	BN	Carson Palmer QB
BN	Willis Mcgahee RB	BN	Devin Hester WR	BN	Roddy White WR	BN	Kevin Walter WR
BN	LeRon Mclain RB	BN	Joseph Addai RB	BN	Jamal Lewis RB	BN	Devin Hester WR
BN	Deuce Mcallister RB	BN	Maurice Jones-Drew RB	BN	Marshawn Lynch RB	BN	Chad Johnson WR
BN	Jason Elam K	BN	Fred Taylor RB	BN	Jason Elam K	BN	Michael Turner RB
						BN	Tim Hightower RB
						BN	Green Bay DEF

	The_Official_Fiction (16-8-0)
	Shazam!* (4-2-0)		Football Face* (3-3-0)		pwned (6-0-0)		We Are The Beermen (3-3-0)
QB	Jay Cutler	QB	Eli Manning	QB	Kyle Orton	QB	Ben Roethlisberger
WR	Torry Holt	WR	Kevin Walter	WR	Greg Jennings	WR	Santana Moss
WR	Hines Ward	WR	Greg Camirillo	WR	Reggie Wayne	WR	Kevin Walter
WR	Mushin Muhammad	WR	Hines Ward	WR	Laveranues Coles	WR	Devery Henderson
RB	Frank Gore	RB	Ryan Grant	RB	Ronnie Brown	RB	Adrian Peterson
RB	Clinton Portis	RB	Brandon Jacobs	RB	Jamal Lewis	RB	Thomas Jones
TE	Dallas Clark	TE	Anthony Fasano	TE	Zach Miller	TE	Dustin Keller
W/R	Steve Slaton	K	Matt Bryant	K	Mason Crosby	K	Ryan Longwell
K	Josh Brown	DEF	Miami	DEF	Green Bay	DEF	San Diego
DEF	Tennessee
D	Lance Briggs	BN	Jason Campbell QB	BN	Jake Delhomme QB	BN	David Garrard QB
D	Nate Webster	BN	Anquan Boldin WR	BN	Marques Colston WR	BN	Larry Fitzgerald WR
		BN	Roddy White WR	BN	Anthony Gonzalez WR	BN	Anquan Boldin WR
BN	Kurt Warner QB	BN	Darren McFadden RB	BN	Joseph Addai RB	BN	Brandon Lloyd WR
BN	Steve Breaston WR	BN	Julius Jones RB	BN	Michael Turner RB	BN	Jamal Lewis RB
BN	Chad Johnson WR	BN	Edgerrin James RB	BN	Jonathan Stewart RB	BN	Darren McFadden RB
BN	LenDale White RB

	Holy_Roller_Novocane (12-12-0)
	Allah's Army Of Jihad (3-3-0)		Taliban All-Stars (2-4-0)		Policia (3-3-0)		Benson's Boat Party (4-2-0)
QB	Jake Delhomme	QB	Derek Anderson	QB	Matt Schaub	QB	Jay Cutler
WR	Santana Moss	WR	Kevin Walter	WR	Kevin Walter	WR	Santan Moss
WR	Santonio Holmes	WR	Braylon Edwards	WR	Anthony Gonzalez	WR	Roy Williams
WR	Marques Coston	WR	Randy Moss	WR	Santonio Holmes	WR	Braylon Edwards
RB	Marsawn Lynch	RB	Adrian Peterson	RB	Ronnie Brown	RB	Reggie Bush
RB	Chris Johnson	RB	Marshawn Lynch	RB	Jamal Lewis	RB	Steven Jackson
TE	Alex Smith	TE	Greg Olsen	TE	Antonio Gates	TE	Owen Daniels
K	Joe Nedney	K	Robbie Gould	K	Matt Bryant	K	Joe Nedney
DEF	Tennessee	DEF	San Diego	DEF	Green Bay	DEF	Tennessee
BN	Donovan McNabb QB	BN	Kurt Warner QB	BN	Derek Anderson QB	BN	David Garrard QB
BN	Torry Holt WR	BN	David Garrard QB	BN	Donnie Avery WR	BN	Kevin Walter WR
BN	Wes Welker WR	BN	Roy Williams WR	BN	DeSean Jackson WR	BN	Donnie Avery WR
BN	Larry Fitzgerald WR	BN	Brandon Lloyd WR	BN	Joseph Addai RB	BN	Felix Jones RB
BN	Roy Williams WR	BN	Matt Forte RB	BN	Larry Johnson RB	BN	Michael Turner WR
BN	Steven Jackson RB	BN	Jason Elam K	BN	Edgerrin James RB	BN	Earnest Graham WR

	Ohjarhead (15-9-0)
	Indianapolis Colts (5-1-0)		The Gimps (3-3-0)		Gnar Kill (4-2-0)		Body By LenDale (3-3-0)
QB	Peyton Manning	QB	Matt Schaub	QB	Peyton Manning	QB	Jay Cutler
WR	Reggie Wayne	WR	Calvin Johnson	WR	Dwayne Bowe	WR	Plaxico Burress
WR	Marvin Harrison	WR	Jerricho Cotchery	WR	Santonio Holmes	WR	Dwayne Bowe
WR	Anthony Gonzalez	WR	Dwayne Bowe	WR	Kevin Walter	WR	Anthony Gonzalez
RB	Joseph Addai	RB	Marshawn Lynch	RB	Ronnie Brown	RB	Adrian Peterson
RB	Dominic Rhodes	RB	Willie Parker	RB	Clinton Portis	RB	Marshawn Lynch
TE	Dallas Clark	TE	Chris Cooley	TE	Zach Miller	TE	Greg Olsen
W/T	Tom Santi	K	Robbie Gould	K	Matt Bryant	K	Matt Prater
W/R	Pierre Garcon	DEF	New York Jets	DEF	Green Bay	DEF	Dallas
W/R	Mike Hart
K	Adam Viniateri	BN	Tony Romo QB	BN	Jake Delhomme QB	BN	Matt Schaub QB
DEF	Indianapolis Colts (5-1-0)	BN	David Garrard QB	BN	Derek Anderson QB	BN	Roddy White WR
D	Gary Brackett	BN	Anquan Boldin WR	BN	Eddie Royal WR	BN	Larry Fitzgerald WR
DB	Marlin Jackson	BN	Earnest Graham RB	BN	Reggie Bush RB	BN	Willis Mcgahee RB
DL	Freddy Keiaho	BN	Fred Taylor RB	BN	DeAngelo Williams RB	BN	Jamal Lewiis RB
		BN	Joseph Addai RB	BN	Joseph Addai RB	BN	Chester Taylor RB

Friends, behold my inaugural blogging creation. Inspired by members of my family i have decided to put my ramblings onto the web.

My initial ideas will be fueled by my current obsession with the American phenomenon of fantasy football, with varied opinions and happenings included to spice things up a little.

In all it should be a glorious creation, fit to be mentioned int he same breath as Wilde, Twain and Laird. I Estimate this genre-defying magnum opus will be ready for consumer consumption in heartily portioned servings towards the end of this week. That is all. Goodbye.